Twelve Step Program

Do you ever wonder if you are capable of great things? Have you ever wanted those around you to stop and take notice of your extraordinary abilities? What if I told you that I hold the secret to single-handedly evacuating your entire apartment building? What? You say that's impossible? That it can't be done? That no one can accomplish such a tremendous feat? Well, I'm here to tell you that it CAN be done. Here are twelve easy steps to achieving your maximum potential of greatness and getting the whole world (or at least your entire apartment building) to recognize how unbelievably capable you are:

1) Saute some veggies in a frying pan. When sauteed to your liking, dump veggies onto a plate.

2) Leave the frying pan on the back burner with the spatula still in it.

3) Decide that you MUST have some potstickers to eat with your veggies

4) Place a pot of water on front burner to boil the frozen potstickers

5) Quickly choose a burner and turn it on high (it will help the water boil faster, right?)

6) Get distracted: check your email, change a diaper (diaper must be wet and or/dirty enough to involve complete disrobing of the child) while you wait for the water to boil.

7) Notice a strange smell and quickly dismiss it (it's probably just something that is on the burner from the last time you boiled something over...right?)

8) Hear a strange noise and dismiss it (water sure makes funny noises when it boils sometimes....)

9) Notice that the smell has gotten more potent. Also, the air inside the apartment has gotten hazy.

10) Run to the oven and discover a plastic spatula sizzling in the frying pan on the back burner (you know, the burner that you turned on HIGH)

11) Run to open the patio door and the front door that leads to the outside hallway

12) Realize there is a smoke detector in the hallway and scramble to shut the door...three seconds before all the alarms in the building go off.

13)* Watch your neighbors stream out of the building and look inside your apartment (the patio door is open, remember?) as you are trying to dress your son who still is not wearing any clothes.

*bonus step

Boys and girls - it is just that easy!

On a slightly more serious note...my neighbors were pretty cool about the whole incident. They laughed and assured me that it was "So nice to have an excuse to be out in the sunshine!" (um...it was like 40 degrees outside and WINDY). The fire department had to come, even though I called the apartment office and explained what happened. They showed up with three trucks, and a troop of firefighters in full fire-fighting gear. Most of them paraded into our apartment, while one stayed behind to interview me. When asked if anyone was hurt in the incident, I responded, "No one was hurt - just my pride, that's all". After inspecting the damage (the frying pan and spatula), they declared the building to be "safe" and we were allowed to go back inside. Thomas and I waited outside the door while the firefighters finished airing out our apartment with their awesome fire-fighter grade fan. I thanked them profusely and apologized over and over again for causing such a scene. They assured me that it was "fine" and they were "just doing their job". I still felt so foolish.

On one hand, I feel like a complete idiot for disrupting a lot of people's lives this afternoon. On the other hand, it's good to know that I can count on our local fire department for a timely response in case there really IS a problem some day.

Oh. You want to see the damage, don't you? I thought you would never ask.

RIP Favorite Frying Pan. On a happier note, I finally have an excuse to replace that spatula....